The Little Bouilloux Girl's Blog

Lovely rainy day!

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 03:44:46 +0000

Today will be a good, good day. I can feel it in my skin, which is looking rather pretty today. I noticed as soon as I got up this morning.

I’m looking out of my big picture window in the office, taking a break from all the thinking about business-y things that I am in fact starting to connect to (much to my horror and dismay), if only because they explain so much in the world.

So, yes, this is going to be a great day. I don’t know if it’s chemical or because I am looking spiffy today. I prepared– I am meeting cousins tonight at Rockwell for the “To Be A La Sallian” event. I like being superficial at times, in that there are things I like that are either seemingly ostentatious or mainstream. Well, so what if they touch a chord in me once in a while. Anyway, Rockwell is a garden. I can stay at a cafe there for hours even all by myself. Or especially all by myself.

Anyhow…. the bear thing ended last Monday. Well, long before that. The bear was too much for me but I think I may have caused the thing’s ruin more than anything or anyone. It died in my hands. I should get a plant.

I told Janet I am attracted to brilliance and I am often visited by beings of such brilliance that I fall prey. After they do, of course. Never before! I have in all honesty never fallen for anyone who did not show an interest in me. What is that?! Eliminating the ill possibilities of unrequited love? Ugh. But then I do things. Like cause drama. At first I attributed it to an atrocious personality (mine), but then I suspect that I love myself too much to be with anyone. Nobody can take me and maybe deep down I know this to be true or I make it true, and so I annihilate anything remotely resembling love/relationship (eww) because I just can’t subject myself to another being’s approval or lack of it.

Although…. although I sometimes wish that there will be one person who stays in the back of everything… back of my head, my heart.. soul? That with him, there is no approval or disapproval. To feel that, towards me, no fight, no amount of distance, no absence–by miles and by time–can drive him away. I will love him then. Where that being is, I do not know. Maybe nobody has felt it before that’s why he’s not here? I flatter myself.

I should get a plant.

——————-

Some things I saw online that has somehow affected me:
** On this day of your life, Claudia, we believe God wants you to know…
… that to find out who you are becoming find stories that move your heart.

Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story?

** I’ll be seeing you (Billie Holiday)
–I used to listen to this kind of songs those days that I spent days upon days I hid in my room. Everyday. Gaston hated those days I did that. I must’ve faked smiles.

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children’s carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin’ well.

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.

**This photo which I captioned “I’ll be seeing you” :

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

The Fairy Girl

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:45:30 +0000

“Get down from there, Bella. Come with me,” Thirdy called out to the girl in a red checkered dress sitting on a branch of a huge mango tree.

“To where?”, Bella asked trying to hide her smile.

“To the mango grove,” Thirdy answered.

“But I’m already on a mango tree, Thirdy!” Bella exclaimed, dangling her delicately shaped legs to and fro. She was quite alright, happy in her newly discovered talent of tree climbing. Her cousin Rachel was a master tree climber and Bella had always been envious watching her go up trees like she had been born a monkey. When she woke up from her nap this afternoon, she found the house was quiet. Nobody was up yet. She wandered through her grandmother’s house, to the lily ponds to startle the tadpoles with her stick, and finally found herself beside the lone mango tree behind her grandmother’s house. Bella looked up and it was like being under a giant umbrella. She remembered her mother’s stories about this tree when she herself was a little girl, about how she’d sometimes imagine seeing fairies peering behind the branches. Her mother used to play in these very grounds, almost always alone what with her brothers and sister either gone to university or married and living exotic lives in the city. Katherine did have one other sister just a year younger but she was blind and it’s probably no fun playing tag with a playmate who could not see you. Poor Mom. Or perhaps it would have been more fun, come to think of it, but her mother did not have grand thoughts like Bella did.

She looked at this old tree that seemed to stare her down while at the same time saying “Come, come!” Bella decided it was then or never. It had taken her several failed attempts and she had scraped her knees against the bark of the trunk, but she was up the tree now and had been there for a couple of hours. She was just perched on the branch nearest the ground, a mere seven or eight feet separated her and the earth, not at all way up where Rachel would usually be found singing and screaming her throat sore. But Bella looked peaceful and it would seem to an unsuspecting spectator if there had been one that the enemy had been conquered. In reality, just a few minutes up there and Bella had wanted off the tree but she hadn’t expected that going down would frighten her more than climbing up would. The easiest way it seemed was to just jump to the ground and hope to land on the pile of leaves her grandmother’s maid had swept and gathered this morning for burning in the early evening to ward off mosquitoes. Old folks and smoke always seemed to keep each other company. The pile looked suspiciously incapable of breaking her fall however and she would no doubt get a spanking if she sprained her ankle– her grandmother had gotten so mad when Bella’s sister fell into the lily pond last year. Bella dared not to cry out to her cousins for help. They would laugh at her and tell her to go back to the city. She decided to put off getting down from the tree til she felt braver.

And so she was sitting there undiscovered, and wondering what her mother was doing in the city right that very moment when Thirdy came strutting to her like a peacock. She liked Thirdy’s walk. It was a city boy’s walk with a bit of arrogance, but with his cap he looked rather spiffy bobbing up and down like that and not at all braggadocious. Thirdy was always looking for her these days, with one excuse or another. Yesterday it was to watch a bonfire the fisherfolk had started by the beach. How he got wind of that she didn’t know. It was like he instinctively knew things too wonderful to pass up. It had been a long walk but she loved every minute of it. Maybe it meant she was fiery herself but she loved reds and yellows and oranges, and to see them together dancing upwards made her feel like an ancient witch during the summer solstice. The sight of the big fire against a pink sky reminded her of burial pyres she was forever finding in books she read after her mother had turned in for the night.

“Come on!”, Thirdy called out again.

Bella was startled out her reverie. “But why, Thirdy?”

“Because,” he said.

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Because I’m quite happy up here.”

“Big baby! You’re just too scared you’ll embarrass yourself coming down! I have been watching you for a half hour, Bella”, Thirdy laughed, knowing Bella would seethe in irritation at the intended taunt. She looked lovely when she got mad. She would turn a slight red and her nostrils flared a bit. He constantly teased her and she always fell for it.

“Big baby, am I? I’ll show you big baby!”, Bella said as she whispered a silent prayer to Jesus and to her favorite saint for good measure. She wrapped her tiny white hands around the branch she had been leaning against and planted her thin feet firmly against the tree trunk and slowly inched her way down holding on for dear life. Her palms and the soles of her feet burned and her knees got scraped again but her saint seemed to be with her that afternoon and she landed proudly on her feet, right smack on her red slippers. Brushing tendrils of hair off her face, she threw Thirdy a victorious smirk but her eyes were twinkling. Thirdy’s face showed a flicker of excitement, or maybe admiration, but it was gone a moment later and his face was unreadable again. Thirdy always looked nonchalant but this time she had caught the look in his eyes and she felt like smiling widely but instead she stuck out her tongue at him and giggled.

It was almost dusk and they walked shoulder to shoulder in silence to the mango grove in the next property. The place looked like one of those parks in the city at night, with lamps hanging from the trees. There were no lamps here but the stars were by now showing themselves one by one thru the branches and leaves overhead. Thirdy knew Bella found these things magical. Her eyes often betrayed her and Thirdy was always rapt in attention keeping track of what made her eyes widen. Most days they would play hide and seek among these trees with Bella’s cousins. But now when Bella asked him why they were there without the others, he simply said he wanted to catch fireflies and Rachel’s singing would perhaps scatter the fireflies every which way, and that’s no good when one wanted them in droves and easier to catch.

Bella gathered dried leaves hoping they could make a small fire while waiting for the fireflies but Thirdy reminded her that they didn’t have matches and Gus would be suspicious if they went back home to get some and they probably wouldn’t be allowed to head back here. So she contented herself with twirling around and around trying to make a balloon of her dress’ skirt til she got dizzy. She cradled her forehead in her hands and laughed. She turned to see what Thirdy was up to and found him watching her some distance off. He was smiling.

“If we caught fireflies, do you think we could light the leaves with them?”, Bella wondered.

“I doubt it. It’s a bit cold out and their flames wouldn’t be strong,” Thirdy said matter-of-factly. Thirdy knew things Bella didn’t and she always believed him.

“Oh. So are we going to catch fireflies or…? We don’t have bottles, Thirdy,” Bella asked.

“How about if we just sit here and do riddles? You go first,” Thirdy said. He was now on the ground sitting Indian-style and he pulled the hem of Bella’s dress beckoning her to sit beside him. The leaves crackled beneath her dress and in the distance the church bells chimed to signal the Angelus.

Thirdy mindlessly tugged at her hair and repeated, “You go first, Bella!”

“But I can’t recall any more riddles. You go first. Maybe it will come to me.”

“Bella… You look like a fairy sitting there like that, Bella.”

“A fairy really? Paint me like this then, Thirdy! You got your new watercolor set last week.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll be your fairy girl!” Bella said with a small dainty smile.

Thirdy was silent then looked away and started to get up. “On second thought, let’s just head back home. My knee hurts. Besides, your grandmother will probably be waiting by the gate with her hands on her hips. The old witch of Eastwick!”

“She does pinch me, and she looks at me a certain way that makes me miss my mother,” Bella sighed. “But I love her lady clothes.”

They walked back to Bella’s grandmother’s house, not as closely beside each other as when they were heading out. Just as Bella was pushing the gate shut after her, Thirdy called out. “Hey, Bella!”

Bella turned and asked softly, “What is it, Thirdy?”

“Do you believe in forever?”

Bella smiled. “Yes,” she said.

He looked at her but his face was inscrutable and Bella felt a wave of sadness. Dust rising like clouds by his feet, Thirdy started to walk away without saying a word except for the faintest “tsss” Bella had ever heard. She stood rooted to the spot long after Thirdy had turned the corner, a wan smile forgotten on her lips.

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

pursuit.. coming up and up the stairs

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 10:18:03 +0000

Dans le fond des forêts votre image me suit.
                                     RACINE



There is a panther stalks me down:
 One day I'll have my death of him;
 His greed has set the woods aflame,
He prowls more lordly than the sun.
Most soft, most suavely glides that step,
 Advancing always at my back;
 From gaunt hemlock, rooks croak havoc:
The hunt is on, and sprung the trap.
Flayed by thorns I trek the rocks,
 Haggard through the hot white noon.
 Along red network of his veins
What fires run, what craving wakes?

Insatiate, he ransacks the land
 Condemned by our ancestral fault,
 Crying:  blood, let blood be spilt;
Meat must glut his mouth's raw wound.
Keen the rending teeth and sweet
 The singeing fury of his fur;
 His kisses parch, each paw's a briar,
Doom consummates that appetite.
In the wake of this fierce cat,
 Kindled like torches for his joy,
 Charred and ravened women lie,
Become his starving body's bait.


Now hills hatch menace, spawning shade;
 Midnight cloaks the sultry grove;
 The black marauder, hauled by love
On fluent haunches, keeps my speed.
Behind snarled thickets of my eyes
 Lurks the lithe one; in dreams' ambush
 Bright those claws that mar the flesh
And hungry, hungry, those taut thighs.
His ardor snares me, lights the trees,
 And I run flaring in my skin;
 What lull, what cool can lap me in
When burns and brands that yellow gaze?

I hurl my heart to halt his pace,
 To quench his thirst I squander blook;
 He eats, and still his need seeks food,
Compels a total sacrifice.
His voice waylays me, spells a trance,
 The gutted forest falls to ash;
 Appalled by secret want, I rush
From such assault of radiance.
Entering the tower of my fears,
 I shut my doors on that dark guilt,
 I bolt the door, each door I bolt.
Blood quickens, gonging in my ears:

The panther's tread is on the stairs,
Coming up and up the stairs.

--"Pursuit" by Sylvia Plath

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

Ironic, no?

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 09:03:04 +0000

A few days ago, a German- Italian couple felt like the luckiest people on earth when they missed their Air France flight 447 to Paris from Rio de Janeiro. The plane crashed.. no survivors. The man and woman were horrified yet at the same time, naturally, felt blessed and grateful to have been spared.

Fast forward to a few days afterwards. The very same couple was driving down from Munich to Merano, Italy, in a rental car. Along the way after changing lanes, they wound up in the opposite direction and collided head on with a truck. The wife died in the hospital. The husband was injured– to what extent I don’t know.

Ironic. Alanis would, maybe, go tsk tsk as she ground her cigarette butt into a pulp with her shoe. Hands in her pocket.

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

Favorite Song…s

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:49:05 +0000

Ok, I’m the girl with 7 or 11 “favorite song in the world!!” haha

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

Heartburn

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:16:09 +0000

It was a quiet morning and my head was filled with dreams, just as my head was filled with dreams last night. That signals my hopefulness better than anything else.

Then a door slammed so hard, it was deafening, much like how I imagined the thunderclap would be if the sky fell. It startled me, my soul left my body for a moment, and it gave me such a fright. Well, actually just heartburn.

Then the dust settled and I realized happiness alongside heartburn is not such a bad deal.

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

“…and then there she was.”

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:02:46 +0000

I think this may be my favorite song in the world. He just loves her so much! His words are so simple yet it pierces through me like happy darts.

The song is “My Heart Is Yours.”

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

The Real Wishes

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:19:42 +0000

I am tired, with a headache, but I want to tell the world something. The Burning Man list that I posted a few months back was actually transferred from my company’s blog. It was supposed to inspire people to think of what else they want to do with their lives and maybe incite some hunger to travel or take up new things and, voila, the need for a virtual assistant is born! However, in my heart I know my wishes can be counted with the fingers of just one hand.

I wish to live long enough to see my son set on his way to a happy adult life– I do not want to be taken away from him when he’s just on the verge because I know how happy he will be to tell me, “Ma, I did it!” Everyday he does it really but he is an ambitious person (I see it even now just as he is); he is loving, too, and so I know I will always be part of the reason why he will strive to succeed as an artist and it would mean the world to him that I see the fruit of everything he strove for from childhood.

I wish to work in such a way that I inspire people, especially my son, to reach for their dearest dream. I understand that one’s life shouldn’t be only about one’s life. Life should be inclusive and generous for it to be truly a happy one.

I wish to end up with someone who amazes me just by what he is– he needn’t try so hard. Somebody who considers me to be the love of his life. I will not be a disappointment to him as I shall take care of his heart like it’s the most precious thing in the world: because actually will be. To touch him and look at him and even in silence let him know he fills my heart. I want to feel an intensity for him that will dwarf all feelings of pain and ennui. I want to see myself in his eyes and know just by a mere glance that I am safe, thought of, longed for— to amaze him even when I am not doing cartwheels, even when I am just sitting gently. Someone who thinks I’m mildly demented because of my temper perhaps, yet 100% the one he wants to be with. I want a love that’s not common, I want a love that’s not ordinary– I want a love that tells the truth, that plays no games. I want somebody who won’t just “ACCEPT” me but who will revel in what I am. I want to make someone’s heart soar when I walk into a room. He will talk about the ones who came before me just collectively and not remembering anybody in particular, and only as a prelude to our story, so he can say, “…and then there she was.”

Posted in shoes, books, ellipses

The Burning Man and I: Things I Want To Do Before The Scimitar Falls

thelittlebouillouxgirl — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:36:16 +0000

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” — Mark Twain

He’s right, you know. All work and no play does make Jack a dull boy. Life doesn’t have to feel like a race against time, but being aware of our own unscaled beanstalks somehow gives us a sense of urgency to live amazingly. Plus we love lists! Here’s mine.

1. Experience Burning Man. 2. Smoke a Cuban cigar wearing a sarong that’s just so wrong. 3. Live in Siena in Italy for a year. 4. Cuss in Italian. Artfully and with great passion– like a tempest. And complete with the hand gestures. 5. Say yes to Jameelon’s “Come act “My Short Skirt” on stage!” 6. Spend a whole weekend with my son doing the things HE likes. 7. Go to a tribute concert for Jeff Buckley, Leonard Cohen and Chet Baker. 8. Give more to Spark of Hope c/o Starbucks. My son gives each year and he gets such a kick when Starbucks sends him Christmas cards. 9. Go to New York City and walk around Manhattan in high heels and a red peacoat and beret, and try not to smile so widely. 10. Volunteer. Maybe read fairy tales to kids from books with pretty pop up pages. 11. Leave the city for a week and head for the beaches all over the Philippines. Lie down on the sand at midnight to wax philosophical about the stars then snort-laugh with my best friend Angel. 12. Go to Dean’s hilltop cottage in San Francisco and beam his crazy lights at the forest. Super Blairwitch-y! 13. Have a fancy dress masquerade party with my friends. 14. Watch President Obama speak. In person. 15. Tell stories more vividly. Listen more closely. 16. Take more photographs. Of faces, places and everything breathtaking. 17. Read up– like a whole lot more– on architecture, literature and the greatest moments in fashion. 18. Watch Aerosmith in concert. Chicago or LA. With Gaston, Dru, Angel and Aaron. 19. Get a tattoo, and not be a sissy about it. Never regret it! 20. Write a fan letter to my mom, my sister and Carl. 21. Scour London for antique jewelry, lamps and chairs. 22. Ride a white horse speckled with gray. I was thinking side saddle but who am I kidding.. I want to look fierce! 23. Go to Oktoberfest in Germany and gawk at the revelers. Promote San Miguel beer shamelessly.

24. Cook believing it’s a real art using spices from all over, and drink wine while cooking.. yeah, like a contessa/ drama queen. 25. Collect gold jewelry from India. 26. Live in a building with a spectacular view. 27. Invite friends over ala-Sex In The City. Everyone has to look her prettiest, even Ricky. 28. Go to France and, armed with pidgin French, and have fun watching the locals scratch their heads when I engage them in small talk . 29. Visit Colette’s grave in Paris. 30. Be amazed by amazing Thailand. 31. Fire dancing again! I did this last Christmas in Puerto Galera, with David and Sylvain smiling in the background.

32. Ride an elephant. 33. Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Look for Brad and Angelina’s mansion. 34. Listen to ragtime and jazz. Still in New Orleans. 35. Own a fiery red orange Balenciaga dress. And bequeath it to my future granddaughter. 36. Watch more funny movies. Look for Woody Allen’s best. 37. Go trekking and camping on mountaintops again. And bamboo-rafting down the river like I’m 12 again. 38. Tour Europe by train, and walk the city streets as much as I can. See the chapels, the museums, the El Raso flea market in Madrid, the rundown villas, everything. 39. Memorize my favorite Pablo Neruda and Charles Baudelaire poems. 40. Be a cheese expert. 41. Quit putting off reading the classics.. the really good ones: Dickens, Voltaire, Flaubert. 42. Buy myself a Hearts On Fire diamond ring. 43. Have a flaming red-pink-orange rose named after me using all the names I call myself. Claudia Isabel Beatrice. Ok, Helena, too. 44. Speak my mind more often. In English, Filipino, French and Italian. Oui, Gaston, bien sûr! No, Claudia, è vietato fumare accanitamente! 44. Dance more. 45. Be amazed, fall in love/adore and be adored, be an editor and live like a rockstar. Yeah, these all go together.

Posted in A Clockwork Orange